I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
