tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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