Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Randomize