I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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