Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I did not marry a roomba.
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