okay pat passed out under dana's car
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
