I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
