I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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