i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
