Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
