There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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