How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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