i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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