No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
