We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
