Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
