Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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