even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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