He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
