Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
