The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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