we're blogging at a bar
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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