I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
