My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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