Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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