so let's talk penis.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
