I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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