Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
