Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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