If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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