I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
