You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
