he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
