12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
