And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
