ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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