my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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