I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
