it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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