I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
