Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
