i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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