Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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