I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
operation have a gay friend backfired
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
