he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.