So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
operation have a gay friend backfired
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
