u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
