one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
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It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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