I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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