whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
