perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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