i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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