Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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