i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
