she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My balls are so social today.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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