i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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